The Happiness Paradox? Five Adaptive Ways to Seek Happiness

Most of us are taught to maximize the amount of happiness we experience throughout our days and lives. And as a clinician mental health therapist, many clients talk with me about wanting to feel happier. My clients are not alone in this search. According to MarketResearch.com, this has resulted in a nearly $10 billion dollar self-help industry. With this much investment in self-improvement, we may expect to meet a lot of people who have achieved this goal. This does not appear to be the case as the self-help market is expected to grow to $13.2 billion.

A recent study looking into happiness found that a ‘happiness paradox’ exists. When people place a problematically extreme value on happiness and constantly search for more and more happiness, they can actually feel less happiness. This can result in feelings emotionally depleted and lower our ability to self-regulate. This happiness seeking can manifest as spending vast amounts of money on vacations, trips, parties, etc. It results in various forms of addiction, such as substances, gambling, pornography, and gaming. The good news is that there are steps we can take to avoid falling prey to this ‘happiness paradox.’

1. Allow Space for All of Your Emotions

Overfocus on feeling of happiness can result in ignoring or suppressing our distressful emotions and thoughts. Denying these distressful emotions can lead to increasingly frantic efforts to engage in behaviors that bandage over normal human struggles and feelings. As this cycle continues, our ability to tolerate these distressful emotions can be reduced. Allowing space for all our emotional experiences, even the distressful ones, allows us to process these thoughts and emotions and improve our ability to tolerate distress.

Allowing space for all of our emotions can take various shapes. This expression can come in the form of journaling, sitting with our emotions and reflecting, or talking to a friend or other supportive persons. The ability to communicate our feelings to another non-judgmental and accepting person or group can help us feel connected and improve resiliency.

2. Identify your Values

Identifying our own values can help determine what is important for us individually. These can be personal values, relationship values, moral values, spiritual values or others. Examining where we spend our energy and then ensuring that we are spending our energy in ways that are aligned with our values is an important part of finding overall life satisfaction. Self-reflecting upon our own behaviors and uncovering those that are incongruent with our value system, can be a first step.

Reflecting upon moments or experiences from the past where he felt proud, satisfied, pleased, content, or happy, can help identify our values. If feelings of pride and content arise from straightening up my home, this may be in alignment with my values of responsibility and organization. I can then choose to engage in other behaviors that are aligned with these values.

3. Set SMART Goals

SMART is an acronym for goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-frame associated. Research has linked happiness and goal-setting, noting that people’s reasons for pursuing goals may play an important role. Setting SMART goals allows us to identify specific activities or behaviors that are aligned with our values. Modifying our behaviors to match our value systems is a simple way to improve the overall quality of our lives.

While we cannot change all of our behaviors to match our values, we can look to make modifications where possible. In these areas, SMART goals may be appropriate. For example, if you value togetherness as a family as a value, you can set a SMART goal such as “Every Friday at 6pm, we will have dinner together as a family.” If you are also seeking to save money, you can add an additional SMART goal such as “Every Friday from approximately 5pm to 6pm, we will cook a meal at home and avoid ordering take-out.” You can also download our Goal Exploration and Setting Worksheet.

4. Curiosity

Curiosity, the desire to learn, investigate, and/or understand, has been to linked to improved life satisfaction, mental well-being, and can enhance learning. While some of us are born with an innate sense of curiosity, others are not so lucky. Either way, there are things we can do to help foster a greater sense of curiosity.

A simple strategy is to actively set the goal of learning something new or having a new experience each day. It could be trying a new food, asking a friend or peer about something they are knowledge or interested in, examining and fact-checking your own beliefs, or reading about unfamiliar topics. The most important thing is to approach information, experiences, and people with interest and openness.

5. Social Media Detox

Social media is designed to stimulate dopamine, the neuro-chemical, involved in pleasure, reward, and motivation. Sean Parker, a Facebook co-founder, discusses how it functions as a “social-validation feedback loop.” Not unlike a slot machine, he noted now users experience “a little dopamine hit” when they receive a like, reply, or view. In some instances, this can result in social media addiction.

While social media allows us to remain engaged and connected with each other, its usage has been linked to negative psychological impacts related to anxiety, depression, and self-esteem. Reflect upon not having access to social media sites or applications for the next 7 days. If the thought of not accessing these services is overly distressing, you may want to consider taking a break and reducing usage on these platforms.