The Complexities of Modern Dating: Benching
What Is Benching?
Benching involves keeping someone "on the bench" by engaging in minimal communication or occasional meetups, without prioritizing them for a serious relationship. Unlike ghosting, where communication ceases entirely, benching keeps the individual in a state of ambiguity, unsure of the relationship's direction.
The rise of dating apps and social media platforms has facilitated benching by providing access to numerous potential partners, making it easier for individuals to keep multiple options open without committing to any single person.
Why Do People Bench?
Several motivations may drive someone to bench others:
Fear of Being Alone: Some individuals use benching to ensure they have backup options, avoiding the discomfort of being alone.
Desire for Control: Keeping someone on the bench allows an individual to maintain control over the relationship dynamics, engaging at their convenience without offering commitment.
Fear of Commitment: A reluctance to settle down may lead some to bench others, keeping their options open while avoiding deeper emotional involvement.
Ego Boost: Maintaining attention from multiple romantic prospects can serve as a confidence booster, even without genuine interest in progressing the relationship.
The Emotional Impact of Benching
While specific research on benching is limited, studies on related behaviors like breadcrumbing indicate significant psychological effects, including feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and frustration. The uncertainty and lack of clear communication can lead to decreased self-esteem and emotional distress. For instance, a study on breadcrumbing victimization highlighted its negative impact on mental health and well-being.
Moreover, the intermittent reinforcement—receiving attention sporadically—can create an addictive cycle, making it challenging for the benched individual to disengage from the relationship, prolonging emotional turmoil.
How to Recognize and Deal with Benching
Signs that you might be experiencing benching include:
Inconsistent Communication: The person reaches out irregularly, often without initiating meaningful conversations.
Avoidance of Concrete Plans: They are hesitant to make definite plans or frequently cancel at the last minute.
Surface-Level Interactions: Conversations remain superficial, with little effort to deepen the emotional connection.
Feelings of Uncertainty: You often feel unsure about where you stand in the relationship and question their level of interest.
To navigate and address benching:
Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your expectations and refuse to tolerate inconsistent behavior.
Prioritize Your Time: Focus on individuals who demonstrate genuine interest and investment in building a relationship.
Limit Emotional Investment: Recognize patterns of benching early and detach emotionally to protect your well-being.
Seek Healthy Relationships: Engage in connections characterized by mutual respect, clear communication, and genuine effort.
Conclusion
Benching is a subtle yet impactful behavior in modern dating that can lead to emotional uncertainty and distress. Recognizing the signs of benching empowers individuals to set boundaries and seek healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By valuing self-worth and prioritizing clear communication, one can navigate the complexities of contemporary dating with confidence.
References
Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., & Yubero, S. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and association with online dating behaviors among young adults. Escritos de Psicología / Psychological Writings, 14(2), 106-116.
Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., & Yubero, S. (2023). Attachment insecurity and breadcrumbing engagement in young adults: A cross-cultural study between India and Spain. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 10601106
About the Author: Wayne J. Woznikaitis is a freelance writer and Clinical Mental Health Counselor working in private practice in Pennsylvania. He has been working in social services for nearly 30 years. He has worked with a wide variety of clients in various settings (inpatient, outpatient, in-home, private practice, academic, and residential treatment) and aims to help individuals experiencing a variety of challenges to improve the quality of their lives.